Caring vs Carrying
Many of us were taught that loving our mothers means carrying them. Their sadness becomes our sadness. Their disappointment means we did something wrong. If they’re worried, we reassure them. If they’re hurt by a decision we make, we reconsider it. If they’re not at peace, neither are we.
But there is a difference between caring about someone and carrying responsibility for their emotional world.
CARING IS…
Listening when she’s hurting
Considering how my choices affect her
Speaking with kindness and respect
Helping when I reasonably can
Allowing her to have feelings about my choices
Staying connected while becoming my own person
CARRYING IS…
Feeling responsible for making the hurt go away
Believing I need her approval before I make them
Avoiding honesty because she may become upset
Feeling guilty whenever I say no
Changing my choices so she doesn’t have difficult feelings
Believing disagreement or difference means I’m abandoning her
The Qur’an actually makes room for this distinction.
In Surah Luqman, Allah first reminds us of what our mothers have carried for us:
“And We have commanded people to honor their parents. Their mothers bore them through hardship upon hardship, and their weaning takes two years. So be grateful to Me and to your parents. To Me is the final return.
But if they pressure you to associate with Me what you have no knowledge of, do not obey them. Still keep their company in this world courteously, and follow the way of those who turn to Me in devotion. Then to Me you will all return, and then I will inform you of what you used to do.”
Qur’an 31:14–15 (The Clear Quran)
That’s interesting.
The Qur’an acknowledges what our mothers have done for us. It tells us to be grateful. It tells us to treat them well. And in the very next verse, it tells us there can still be a limit. The Qur’an doesn’t give us only two choices: obey or abandon. It gives us the possibility of remaining loving and connected while still having a self.
Psychology has a word for this too: differentiation.
Differentiation is our ability to remain emotionally connected to someone while still being able to think, choose, and act from our own values. It doesn’t mean becoming cold. It doesn’t mean cutting your mother off. And it doesn’t mean you stop caring when she’s hurt.
It means: I can care that you’re hurting without automatically deciding that your hurt means I’ve done something wrong.
Maturity isn’t learning how to care less.
It’s learning how to care without carrying.
